Thoughts that run through my mind at 2:00A.M....

It's come to that point in my pregnancy where I just feel FAT and UNATTRACTIVE. Yes, I believe pregnancy is a beautiful thing, growing another person inside of me is truly a miracle, but I can't help but feel a little shallow and bad for myself that I'm so big right now. I totally don't feel attractive. I get jealous a lot easier nowadays of beautiful, hot women who are my husband's type. Not that he gives me any reason to be jealous, he's not checking them out, I am. I just feel unattractive, even though he tells me that I'm beautiful, I just don't believe it. I don't want to turn into the person where you just know she's a mom by the way we looks and dresses (tired and kinda frumpy). I still want to look attractive to my husband. I mean, I'm only 25 years old and I feel like my body has aready gone through the ringer! Stretch marks and saggy breasts are just a natural part of the post-pregnancy body, but the young woman in me still wants to feel like I'm 25- youthful and beautiful. It's our 3 year anniversary coming up and originally I wanted to stay the night at a fancy hotel and have a nice, romantic night. Well, it looks like we're going to dinner and watching a hockey game instead. Which don't get me wrong, I am still excited for it (never been to a hockey game and the restaurant we plan on going to is so yummy), but I just miss having the romance in our lives, especially on a day such as our anniversary. I know, I know, I think I live in a fantasy world sometimes thinking that life should be like the movies. With a 1.5 year old and another baby on the way, romance is kinda kicked to the bottom of the list naturally. I've never had high self-esteem growing up, but when I met my husband I believe it shot up because of all the  compliments he would give me, but now I feel like a low self-esteemed teenager again, especially with evils such as facebook (my husband really think it's bad for me since I compare myself to other girls on there). I think facebook can be a wonderful thing- I've kept in contact with relatives that live far away and they can see everything that's going on in my life nowadays, old friends that I've reunited with, other friends that I've kept in touch with, etc. But there is a bad side to facebook as well... everyone (for the most part) just posts the good in their lives, the picture perfect depiction of what they want the public to see of them. Which, hey, I'm so guilty of too. But when I'm emotional on a night like this, it just doesn't help to see someone's instabrag post pop up.

34 weeks!

We are now almost 34 weeks (tomorrow) along with Katherine! Although I am so excited to finally meet her, a part of me is sad that Abigail will not be the only child anymore. Right now she had all of my attention and I wonder how she will react to a new baby sibling. I'm not sure she understands that there's a baby in mommy's tummy right now. I hope she doesn't feel neglected after Katherine is born. That would break my heart. :( I am so worried about how I am going to manage my time and attention with 2 little ones in the home. The major sucky part is that I have to go back to work after only 5 weeks of maternity leave. I told myself I would definitely take a longer maternity leave this time around with Katherine (I was only allowed 6 weeks with Abigail) but it turns out I couldn't change my insurance plan at work and add short term disability be to able to still get a portion of my pay while on maternity leave. :( I told Jim how important it was to be to stay home with Katherine longer, especially while trying to adjust to having 2 kids under 2, but I guess we just haven't been budgeting for it (I ahd assumed we were), which was a major shock for me. I don't want to blame it on him (but I guess I kinda am)... he is the one who does our budget and pays all our bills. After I found out, I vowed I would be more involved with our budget. And if anything ever happened to Jim, I need to know how to pay my own bills and since I do make half the income, I should know. But finding that out was definitely a shock to me. I totally thought we were budgeting this whole time for me to be on a longer maternity leave. I actually have 4 weeks paid which isn't bad compared to 0 days paid with Abigail. A cool thing my hospital does is that an employee can donate their PTO to another employee and my mom so willingly said she would donate 3 days to me! (Which actually equals a week since I work 3 12.5 hour shifts) I just hope we get all the paperwork turned in in time and approved. Ugh I hate all this talk about money. Of course money is not more important to me than my children, but it stresses me out thinking of how tight we will be (or more in debt we will become) if I don't go back to work in the time-frame that we discussed. I'm still hoping I can be off longer, but we will see. I already talked to my manager who agreed to let me come back to work part-time (2 days/week) until I am 8 weeks postpartum, then I'll go back to work full time (3 days/week). It stinks that the more money you make, the more money you seem to spend. I wonder why we still have debt with 2 full-time decent incomes. It is just annoying. There are too many "things" that I want, which is so stupid. I wish I could purge all these earthly desires and not care about how my home looks and not wish my home looked like the ones I see on HGTV. But anyway, back to what I was saying about work. I also talked to my manager about switching to day shift after Katherine is born. It makes me sad when I leave home on the week nights for work and Jim had a super busy, stressful day and Abigail is fussing and nothing seems to calm her down. :( I just want to stay home and make it all better, but I can't. If I worked day shift, at least I would be home every night and we could split the nighttime duties together instead of it being all on him when I am at work. It looks like I am next on the list to be moved to day shift (the other nurse who was in front of me informed me yesterday that she decided to stay on nights) and I just found out they hired another nurse for nights, but there are currently no openings for day shift. I am hoping that by the time I go back to work after maternity leave there will be a spot open for me.

 

 

So in the past week, we finally got mostly everything moved to their appropriate rooms. The only thing left is the crib. The crib is still in Abigail's old bedroom where she still sleeps at night. Her new room is all set up and waiting for her, but she just does not want to sleep in her toddler bed yet. Although Katherine's room is not decorated yet, I have all her newborn to 3-month old clothes washed and ready to wear and diapers/wipes ready. Just the crib needs to go in the room! (Which is a major part of the nursery lol.) But we're thinking Katherine will probably sleep in our room the first 3 months, then hopefully by the end of that time, Abigail will be well adjusted to her toddler bed and everythign will be just dandy. *One can only hope!*

 

 

I still don't know where we are going to deliver. I thought delivering at my hospital was supposed to be way cheaper (supposedly only paying for the doctor fees and not room/board) but our bill last time still ended up being at least a thousand if I remember correctly (for an uncomplicated routine delivery!). It may also be the type of insurance plan I have though. If I deliver at the hospital where our normal OB doctor delivers, it would definitely be more, but I don't know how much more. It also depends on if my water breaks while I'm at work or if I'm at home going into labor. My work is about 40 minutes without traffic and up to an hour and a half with and the other hospital is only 15-20 minutes away. But I know we need to decide though so the hospital can already have all our prenatal care records and such.

 

 

I really wonder when I'm going to deliver this time around. With Abigail, I was exactly 1 week overdue. But with Katherine I feel like I will delivery sooner, hopefully not too much sooner though, we definitely need all the time we can get! I really hope she waits at least until after New Year's, preferrably until January 10th, because that is my Tita Catherine's bday (aunt she is being names after) and also my dad's birthday! And I know that would just make then overjoyed if she was born on their birthday. And I would feel so bad if she was born on or right around Christmas, due to fear of her not feeling special on her birthday or getting gypped with gifts. But we shall see when she decides it's time to make her grand entrance. :)
 

So Abigail is almost 19 months (will be on Dec. 8!). This past month I feel like she has had so many words have been added to her vocabulary! Words that she says often (old and new) now: mama, mommy, daddy, Abby, puppy, Japer (Jasper) no, down (when talking to Japser), "ow-sigh" (outside), nice (while petting Jasper or something soft lol), Papa, Berda, nummy (when she sees us eating something she knows tastes yummy and wants a bite lol), mo (more), apple, sun, baby, boon (meaning ballon), ba (ball), ovoooo (love you), up, buh-bye and muah when she sees someone leaving, my (mine), owee (when she had a boo boo and wants us to kiss it), shoes, feet, sos (socks), yeah and yay! I worry that she is not talking as much as some other toddlers her age, but Jim is not worried at all. I know she's okay, but I'm just a worry wart and I'm glad I have Jim to balance me out. :) She understand mostly everything we tell her to do, which I think is so cool. I am so proud of her and love her so, so much!!!!!!!

24 weeks!

Today marks that baby Katherine has been growing inside of me for 24 weeks! In just 16 short weeks (give or take a couple), we will be the proud parents of 2 girls. SO crazy. Even though I am obviously pregnant, it is so diffcult for me to comprehend that Katherine (or when I was pregnant with Abigail) is growing INSIDE of me. And when I google pictures of babies at __ weeks old in utero, it boggles my mind that that is what my baby looks like inside of me! Pregnancy/life is truly a miracle and blessing from God.
 

In my last blog post, I announced that I was going back to school. I thought I had made up my mind... but I think I'm chickening out for now. I feel like I am finally starting become a better wife/mother with cooking homemade meals on a consistant basis (cooking has constantly been a struggle for me) and balancing life. Even though I do believe there's no better time than now, I just think I will be too stressed out/overwhelmed/sleep deprived if I go back to school now. I know my girls will want my attention even more as they get older, but while Katherine will be a newborn and Abigail not even 2 years old, I feel like when I'm not at work, I really need to focus my energy on my family. I've been sooo back and forth about this, but I'm pretty sure that's my decision for now. It amazes me how people can juggle working 5 days a week, going back to school and a family, but at the same time, I feel like something will have to give. So just thought I'd give you all the update with me and school. I do officially have until January 1, 2020 to get my BSN, but work is constantly encouraging (or pressuring?) us to go back now and get it.

Speaking of work, I am now working on postpartum!!! I like the work so much better. :) I knew I would. As a nurse, working in OB is truly where my passion lies. But it is still kinda depressing though... the patient population we get is just disheartening some/most of the time. Seriously, drug-addicted antepartum mothers who didn't 'know' they were pregnant (we're talking well into the 2nd trimester), mothers of 8 kids and counting, mothers who don't want their babies but don't want to give them up for adoption either, unwed teenage pregnancies pregnant with their 2nd or 3rd already, don't speak English, illegal, father in jail or getting deported, mother in jail, no insurance (I'm glad my hospital doesn't judge and will accept anyone, but after you see the same cases over and over it's easy to lose heart) aaand so on. So working in postpartum at my hospital is definitely not all rainbows and butterflies. But despite all that, I do like my new job, definitely more than my old floor. I've been orienting on day shift and that has been wonderful. Even though they commute to work is literally an hour long with traffic (compared to 40 minutes at night), it is worth it to be able to be home in time to put Abigail to bed and sleep next to Jim every night. I really hope I can transfer to day shift in the next year. Working nights is really tough on me and I know it's only going to get harder once Katherine comes along.

Anyway, I LOVE that the weather is cooling down! Yay for fall. Yesterday Jim and I were able to hang out on our front porch again after Abigail went to bed (first time since before summer). I am so excited for the holidays in our new neighborhood. I really hope I get Halloween off so we can either pass our candy and met our neighbors that way or just walk around while everyone is out. :) And I'm so excited for Christmas time and seeing all the Christmas lights while we take our nightly walks!

Happy 25th birthday to meee!

Today was my 25th birthday. I was at work when the clock struck midnight and into my birthday. I got a $5 gift certificate to use in the cafeteria for my bday and blew my money on some popcorn and a Haagen-Dazs ice cream. I had a 'real' lunch before I stuffed my face with this junk, but it's my birthday so I can eat what I want to! :p After work, Jim surprised with the breakfast that I've been CRAVING for weeks! Spam, rice and eggs! Yummm. Definitely another pregnancy craving. He read my mind... I was going to stop by the store this morning after work to pick up some spam, so he had to ruin the surprise and tell me not to because he already had bought it last night and was making it for me for breakfast! :) Then I went to sleep for a few hours, got up to make up some new Zumba routines for my class, then taught my regular Wednesday night Zumba class. Speaking of which, I don't know how long I'll be able to keep at it.. I am starting to get really tired in class! I'm thinking I'll probably go another month or hopefully maybe two, but then just take it easy on the exercise with nice family walks and bike rides until after baby comes. :) So anyway, pretty much a normal Wednesday for me, but tomorrow Jim is taking a 1/2 day off work so we can spend some quality family time together, then our good friend agreed to babysit Abigail so we can go out for a nice dinner to celebrate my birthday! I truly feel so lucky to live the life I live. I've never worked harder in my life (and it's only about to get harder) but I'm starting to reap the benefits of it and it makes it worth it.

24 was an awesome year of life for me... at the beginning of my 24th year, Abigail was just about 3 months old and I had been back to work for a month and a half already. It was very difficult for me to leave her (still is some days) but had to. :( Adjusting as new mom with a relatively new career was hard to balance and still is, but I'm taking it one day at a time. We also moved into our home that we plan on being in for the next 20+ years and I recently just got hired with my dream job working in postpartum with the mommies and babies! So life is GOOD. :)

25 is going to get even crazier... I recently decided to go back to school to get my BSN. If I don't go back now, I don't think I'll ever get the motivation to. I know it is going to be a tough next couple years with work, school and becoming the mom of 2, but with lots of trust in God and support from my family, I know I will get through it. On top of that, I am starting to picking up shifts at work. With me getting unpaid maternity leave AGAIN (besides the few weeks of pto and sick time I have accrued) and going back to school, we need to save up.

I feel like 25 will be the most exciting, rewarding and difficult year of my life yet. I am so grateful to have Jim by my side through it all. I am being proactive and making changes in my life. Instead of hoping for this or envying that, I am doing something about it. I feel like I'm starting to finally become an adult. I'm taking on more responsibility (while trying not to complain), trying to manage my time, while savoring all the precious moments I have with my little family. <3

June 2013

 

 

Above were some of my favorite pictures from Abigail's 1st birthday shoot and our spring family photoshoot (as promised in my last blog I would post) taken by our family photographer J Lobbins Photography. :) Just tonight I've started to organize all our professional pictures, so we can finally get them printed and have some pictures up on our walls!

 

Speaking of bare walls, pretty much our whole home is bare right now. We plan on being in this home for 20+ years, so I know there is no need to rush on buying new things and filling all the spaces, but we've lived in our home for almost 2 months now, and even though we are unpacked for the most part, you would think we were still in the process of bringing our things in. Even our windows are bare... We ordered shutters  6 weeks ago and they said it should take 6-8 weeks to get here, so any day now I'm assuming. This past week we had a contractor take a look at our front room. When you walk into our home, to the left is an open space labeled as a "flex" room on our home's floor plan. I've noticed some neighbors have made that space a dining or living room. For us, it is Jim's office. But I'd like to have a more defined space for him (especially so Abigail won't get into all of Jim's electronics). We plan on enclosing the space with french doors and adding board and batten wainscoting to the foyer area. We're still waiting for a quote to see how much it will cost, hopefully my dreams for these renos won't be crushed by the price tag!

 

So an update on what's been going on with me lately... last week I started my new work schedule of working Sunday, Monday and Tuesday nights. It should be staying like this for awhile. That first night back at work every week is always rough, but then having 4 days and pretty much still having my whole weekend is very nice. Sucky part means Abigail is at the babysitter's Monday-Wednesday (I pick her up on Wednesday after I wake up in the afternoon). I've decided I need my sleep nowadays, especially being pregnant again. I don't think I'm much of a mom anyway when I'm trying desperately to keep my eyes open after being awake for 24-40 hours and "taking care" of Abigail. I can't even function at that point. I have co-workers that still do that because of their family, but for me, I need sleep. Part of me feels like a bad mom for choosing sleep over being with my daughter, but again, I have to just remind myself that it isn't very safe for me/my future baby and not even for Abby if something were to happen. Abigail really seems to be enjoying herself at the sitter's, not even wanting to leave some days because she's having so much fun, but it still pains me to be away from her that much. Oh the struggles of a working mom. :( I know I could go back to working every weekend (Friday, Saturday, Sunday night) but I was just miserable with that schedule, never seeing Jim, family/friends and rushing or being super sleepy at church. But I know once our second baby comes, we will have to re-evaluate again what will work best for our family. Well I finally applied to an OB position at my work a few weeks ago! That took a lot for me to even apply since working on my floor has become my comfort zone. I emailed our director that I applied, but it turns out they aren't really hiring right now and a lot of nurses are getting canceled because of low patient census (my mom works postpartum/antepartum/gyn so it's true. :( So now my plan is to stay on my floor until our baby comes (even though some days I come home seriously wanting to quit because of the horrible/busy night/patients I had). But that's the plan for now. Even if a position were to open up, I don't want to be a on new floor for only a few months, then be off for up to 3 months for my maternity leave, then start back over again. Once I go back to work after my maternity leave, I will start applying for my dream nursing job again. Work is really starting to push for the nurses to get their BSNs (required starting January 2020), which I know is still far, but I'm always being asked if I'm going back to school yet and I just don't know. I know there is never going to be an 'ideal' time, I just have to go back and do it, but it stresses me out thinking I will be working, going to school and taking care of 2 little ones. I know a lot of people do it all the time, but that to me just seems very overwhelming. Prayers/advice on what to do would be very much appreciated. Oh, and not to mention the cost of going back to school. I don't want to take our a student loan, but I also don't exactly have an extra $15-$25k laying around. I know I will need to go back to school eventually, especially since now rarely any hospitals will hire without a BSN (I know my hospital is only hiring BSNs now).

 

Enough about work, we are now 10 weeks along in our pregnancy!!! This pregnancy definitely feels different than the first... I am craving things constantly, and I'm nauseous and vomiting a whole lot more. Our next doctor visit is July 5th, so we still have a couple more weeks to go until we hear our sweet baby's heartbeat again. I don't think there will be another ultrasound until our anatomy ultrasound around 16-20 weeks. My dad, who's been in Washington state for the few months for a long-term work assignment- they plan on keeping him there 6 months to a year :( should be coming back to AZ to visit for the first time at the end of August, so hopefully we can find out our baby's gender while he's hear. Two of my aunts will also be in town, so I'm excited for a mini family reunion. :) It would be awesome if we could find out the gender while my dad was in town, especially since if it's a boy, we will name him James Arthur (James after Jim and his dad) and Arthur after my dad! If our baby is a girl, we will be naming her Katherine after one of my aunts. :) Still deciding on a middle name if our baby is a girl. Some that I have in mind... Jane (since my aunt's name is Catherine Jane, but we would spell ours with a K and call her Kate for short) or Catalina after my grandmother. It is midnight now, I really should get to seep! Hopefully I will update my blog again soon!

Abigail is now ONE and another baby on the way!

Pic from Abigail's 1st birthday shoot!

Will post more once I get them back from the photographer!

WOW, this year has just flown by!!! I can't believe our baby is already ONE! A little update since I haven't been updating my blog lately and keeping up with Abby's milestones... at 10 months Abigail took her first steps and at 11 months she started walking! Also at 10 months, Abigail finally sprouted some teeth! Her 2 bottom teeth to be exact. :) Now she has her 2 top teeth coming in too. SO cute! I'm proud to say Abigail was solely on breastmilk her first 12 months of life. Just in the past week, we've started introducing whole milk by mixing it in with the breastmilk. I'm happy I could give her the gift of breastmilk for these past 12 months, but I'm also excited to stop pumping soon so I can have a little break and feel somewhat normal again before the next baby comes! It's really been a sacrifice, but I'm happy I could give her that gift that only I could give. Anyway, these days Abigail can say hi, dada/daddy, mama/mommy, papa and even Abby! She nods her head yes and no (not appropriately but still cute!) and has the cutest grin where she shows off her top teeth and scrunches her nose! She's a little daredevil too... loves to be thrown in the air, pushed fast in her toy car and held upside down (only for a few seconds of course! lol). Her and Jasper (our dog) get along great too. He is so gentle with her, but sometimes he can get overly excited and knocks her over unknowingly or whips her in the face with his wagging tail lol.

So Jim and I have had it set in our minds that we would start trying for another baby once Abigail turned 1. But as that day approached, I started having second thoughts. Jim didn't, but he wasn't the one who had to be pregnant for 9 months! Hah. We prayed about it and I came back around, trusting it would happen in God's timing anyway if we started trying now or later. I haven't had a period since before I got pregnant with Abigail since I have been breastfeeding this whole time, so Jim thought I couldn't get pregnant yet, but my nursing side knew it was still possible. Maybe less likely, but definitely possible. Lo and behold, the first pregnancy test I took said POSITIVE! It's crazy how quickly we get pregnant! With Abigail, I finished taking birth control at the end of July 2012 and by August 2012 we were pregnant! If anyone reads this, please keep us in your prayers! Please pray for a safe pregnancy and healthy baby! Oh, and we'll definitely need the prayers once we have 2 kids under 2! Ahh! We are so excited of course, but I am also very nervous... our babies will only be 20 months apart! I know life is going to get so much crazier and we'll be even more sleep deprived, but hey that's being a parent, right? So happy to get into our new home now, so we definitely have the room for another little one! We have an appointment with our OB tomorrow... 1st ultrasound. Well, they actually did a quick scan last week, but said it was still too early on to see anything. Tomorrow hopefully we will be able to see something. :)

Dream house is now our HOME!

I haven't written a post since January! We've been busy! We just moved into our dream home a few weeks ago and are still getting settled in. I LOVE our new neighborhood so much! Marley Park is a master-planned community by DMB, just like their other master-planned conmmunities such as Power Ranch (Gilbert), Verrado (Buckeye) and DC Ranch (Scottsdale) just to name a few in the valley. You know how neighbors for the most part (sadly) aren't that neighborly anymore? Nobody knows their neighbors anymore (although we made a conscious effort to in our last home and of course will in this home), well Marley Park was made with a community-centered atmosphere and everyone is super friendly! There are awesome parks (called Marley Park because of the 14+ themed parks throughout the neighborhood), great clubhouse and poolhouse! There are also fun events throughout the year for the residents. :) We got in at an awesome time too! Since signing the paperwork on our home, home prices for the same models have already gone up at least $13,000! The 303 freeway is almost done (which will make getting to work so much easier) and there are future plans (2+ years away) for a mall just a mile down! We love living in Surprise!!!  Wer are now within WALKING distance from our church, which is awesome. We are only 2 miles from the Surprise spring training baseball field, Surprise Regional Library and Surprise Community Park (we can totally ride our bikes there)! We are only 5 miles away from Bell Road which literally has every store we could want to go to (the only ones I really care about though are Target and Ross and they are there!). And I love that we are only a few miles away from a Trader Joe's now! I am SO excited to raise our family here. :) If you couldn't tell already lol. When I tell people I'm moving to Surprise, their first reaction is always, "Woah! That's far!" But it's really not, especially with everything getting built up around it and all of Jim's clients here in the west valley. Almost every night since moving in, Jim and I have spent some time on our front porch at the end of the night, winding down and talking about our day or riding our bikes throughout the neighborhood. I love that we have a great view too... the park is right in front of our home with the mountains in the background. :) Also, no neighbors back up behind us (minor road separating our neighborhood from the next development over). So happy to own our dream home. But by dream home, I don't mean big. It's a good size for us (2200 sq ft) maybe a bit big now, but we are expanding our family (yes, recently found out we're expecting again! But I'll write about that in another post ;) and plan on being here for at least 20 years. :) Check out our neighborhood website at www.marleypark.com. Maybe I can convince some of my east side friends to move out west! ;)

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